I don't think there is anything that can really prepare you to lose a parent. It is a huge blow even in adulthood because you are at the point where you are actually more like friends with your parents. Now you know that all the things you rolled your eyes at as a teenager really was them, just loving you.
I lost my dad exactly 8 months ago today on November 18, 2020 while he was visiting my family in NY from Florida (for my daughters communion). My dad was a person who would tell you his opinion, whether you wanted to hear it or not. He didn't care if other people in the room had a different point of view and would actually argue with people in attempt to change their viewpoint on the spot (he was slightly stubborn..). If you wanted a straight opinion about anything... ask my dad. He wasn't one to care about whether or not he was blunt or insulted anyone...lol. Grief runs its course and it comes in stages but there are a few things that I have learned and felt these past 8 months.
I FELT SO LONELY
Our parents become our source of consistency and comfort. When my dad died, it's as if I instantly lost part of my roots. My parents brought me into this world, and have always been there. They have been my one "permanent" throughout my entire life and now one of them is gone. Regardless of the life that I have now as a wife and mom of three kids, the role of our parents in our lives doesn't change. They're the consistent, unconditional support I have had since I was born.
2. I FELT SO MUCH GUILT
I've gone through the day my father died a thousand times and thought about what I should of, could of, would of done differently. I felt so helpless. He was alone in the hospital without any family members since he had Covid and we were not allowed to visit him in person since we had gotten it as well. He died alone surrounded by strangers, scared and not really knowing what was going to happen next. This is one of the things that I am having the hardest time getting over. I often wonder what the nurses and doctors said to him when they decided to put him on a ventilator. Those were the last words he heard. I wish the last words he heard were family, but instead they were from the doctors or nurses. I hope they were really kind and patient with him.
3. I CAN'T LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR PARENTS
I get very upset when someone talks negatively about their parents. I would give anything to hear my dad tell me I'm beautiful on the phone (like he did every single time we talked before we got off the phone), to hear my dad tell me how proud he is of me, to see my dads huge smile when he walked in my house and saw my kids after not seeing them for a long time, and to have a conversation with my dad where he immediately had my back no matter what. If you still have both your parents, you are lucky, plain and simple.
4. I AM GETTING USED TO LIVING WITH THE SADNESS THAT MY DAD IS GONE
I don't think grief is something that I am ever going to "get over." I will never stop missing my dad but I am learning to cope with my loss in my own way.
5. I AM MORE ACCEPTING
When I was a kid, I trusted my parents completely, but as I matured I came to the realization that they are just people and they were trying their best to take care of me the best way they knew how.
6. I HAVE REALIZED HOW STRONG LOVE IS
The intriguing thing about grief is it makes you realize how deep your love for your parent is. As I reflect on all the memories I have with my dad, I can acknowledge all the new experiences of love that start to surface.
7. HIS DEATH HAS CHANGED HOW AWARE I AM AS A PARENT
I am now extremely conscious of what memories can mean to my kids and how I can influence their lives positively while I'm here. I will always make sure they know how much they are loved. I realize that what I model and ingrain now, will forever be how I am remembered by them.
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